The Power of Internal Validation: The Secret to Living Well

By Alex Stark, Executive Coach and Licensed Psychotherapist who specializes in helping high achieving women lead more satisfied, balanced lives personally and professionally. 

Many of us, especially those who are driven and high functioning, learn early in life that success leads to public recognition. Years and layers of praise heaped upon recognition make many us reliant upon what others around us think. 

Our life, the series of victories that we earn in our careers, stand testament to our success. But a funny thing happens along the way. 

There are many among us, most especially those driven to high achievement, conflate public recognition with success. The level of praise we receive becomes part of how we view our lives and value ourselves. 

This is a slippery slope. What starts out slowly can become all consuming. 

We rely on this praise to evaluate our dealings with the world. We need it. External validations, whether large and significant-- like promotions and professional awards-- or smaller ones like comments on our LinkedIn posts, become necessary for us to think that we’re successful.

The public rewards that society heaps on high achievers become for many, an internal compass. It is the presence of recognition that validates success. 

We perform audits and evaluations at work all the time. We very seldom evaluate how we think and feel. 

External validation becomes necessary. We rely upon, we depend on it. Without it we feel vulnerable. Even in its presence we feel nervous… because pretty soon, we’ll need some more of it. 

This reliance does not come without a cost. This cost is a sinister one, one that grants external forces and opinions undue power over us and the way we perceive ourselves. By letting external sources define how we derive value, many among us set ourselves up for burnout. 

The way out is simple. It’s fundamental. Though it is a part of human nature, it is not taught in schools. Many have to discover it on their own, through thought and self-development. 

From where I sit, it’s something of a professional secret. One that I’m happy to share. This secret has been the foundation of many breakthroughs for my clients in therapy. It has also been the source of much personal and professional growth for my executive coaching clients. 

It is a fundamental truth that informs my practice… and I am happy to share it with you now. 

Here it is.

No one and no thing should have power over how you value yourself and your success. Internal validation mechanisms—ones that exist independently from what the world thinks or the what the world does—are a fundamental, necessary part of an empowered person.

Internal validation structures unlock your ability to feel good without the need of external praise. 

Once you are the master of the way you perceive your journey through the world, you are free. You are the captain of your own ship. You can prescribe your thoughts and actions of your own volition, without care or concern of what others do or do not recognize. 

You can look backwards and reframe the accomplishments upon which your current success sits. That honor roll, the scholarships, the word executive on your business card… those things are bad ass. They would be incredible whether nobody found out or whether the whole world came to know them. 

When you control how you validate yourself and your life, you feel good. You are free.  

What you do, how you do it… you are a force. Your action, your dedication, your commitment… before you enact these things upon the world around you, you have created them within your mind. They are part of who you are and what makes you. There is no one who can do what you do, as good as you can do it. 

You are a singular force. One whose life and presence benefits your friends, family and the people you work with.

By being strong for ourselves, we project strength to those around us. 

Sure, it’s great when people around us recognize how much of a bad ass we are. But that recognition is the icing on top, it is not the cake. It’s the cherry, it’s not the sundae. 

First we recognize ourselves. We become confident and familiar with our power. We are thankful for it. 

Next we reframe the way we think about it. We refine our perspective, valuing ourselves and our accomplishments in a way that is separate and apart from what the world thinks.

In doing this we create freedom. We also create an incredibly powerful tool in the fight against burnout… the war against anxiety and the battle against chronic stress. We create the type of self affirming, sustainable confidence that imparts contentment. In doing so we become comfortable in our skin and in our careers. 

Creating our own internal validation structures unlocks our true leadership potential. 

Allow yourself to be yourself. Evaluate yourself based on the terms that suit your life and how you want to live it. Being free is to be powerful. Being powerful is awesome. 

This is the tip of the ice berg. If this resonates, let’s set up a call. For more resources on how to combat burn out and lead a more fulfilled, balanced life, check out: https://www.alexstarkcoaching.com/